WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
Wow! This is a RAW Topic for me!
I came to really understand shame a few years back. More importantly, the impact it had on my entire life. It's a sad fact: we all shame one another. However, if you want to feel good about yourself and also put good vibes in the universe, you will want to put the kabash on giving and/or receiving shame! Then you can begin giving empathy, compassion and love towards others...as it flows back to you!
That said, here's difference between shame and guilt. Just so we're clear...
Remember when you were young and broke something then tried to hide it? You were guilty of that. You DID something wrong. Now, if your parents found the object you broke and screamed and hollered calling you ignorant, you then felt you WERE something wrong.
Guilt is DOING something wrong. Shame is BEING something wrong.
Big difference, right?
I was raised Catholic. Many can relate to 'catholic guilt', right? But, is it guilt or is it shame? I'm not ripping apart Catholics or any other religion here. I'm merely stating, we were all shamed one way or another, regardless of religion. The term today might be 'bullying' to some degree. We are made keenly aware of our shortcomings. In turn, we feel bad about ourselves A LOT. Sadder is the fact that the person trying to shame us is usually projecting their gook on us ....globbing us with shame! Truth be told, they are no doubt a bucket of shame themselves! It's just easier to give it away than do something about it! Being shamed makes us feel ICKY...we just feel bad about ourselves ..like we have cooties. And if we're made to feel like there's something wrong with us on a regular, perhaps daily basis, it becomes all we know. It's the fiber of our existence!
I can tell you with impunity: if you feel bad about yourself A LOT, you are being shamed A LOT. But here's the harsh reality, it's someone right in front of you. Someone you think has your best interest at stake, someone you trust, perhaps love. Someone who is probably doing a slow 'chinese water torture' on you. This someone could be your boss, your spouse, your siblings, your friends...but most of the time it's your parent or earliest caregivers....because that's where it started. How sad is that? But try to put this in perspective: All those people did the best they could with the cards they were dealt.
Here's the deal...people who are habitual shamers, rarely IF EVER go to therapy or seek help. It's usually someone elses fault. They go through life living a patterned life of denial, excuses and blame...the trifecta of pointing fingers at others rather than changing. And that's ok; that's their gook! Exercise acceptance with these people but do your best to steer clear of them if at all possible. In time, you will begin to recognize the lack of feeling shamed merely from disconnecting from it as much as possible!
Here's the litmus test: If you feel pretty good about yourself and your life, then walk in a room of friends, family, fellow employees, etc. and you begin to feel like there's something wrong with you, perhaps your body language will even begin to change, you're probably being shamed on some level. You'll realize you're being put in scenarios to defend yourself and your actions. You're somewhat of a 'victim' in these situations. However, if you continue to go back to those same people or that same situation YOU ARE A VOLUNTEER, only to be treated like that again.
All I'm saying is LIFE IS HARD. When you finally start to feel good about yourself, why would you go in a lions den to be ripped apart...ever so subtly, by those claiming to care for you? Or worse, those YOU believe respect, love, honor you?
Aren't you sick of feeling bad about yourself?
Do you want to know how to shut shame down?
Now, I m not saying cut everyone from your life because that would be hard in a work or family environment. But if you feel insecure, depressed, have feelings of abandonment, can't maintain intimate relationships, cant seem to move forward in your life, feel unworthy, etc, etc, etc, it's time to take a stance and do something about it! Again, it's not a one prong approach. You probably need to put as much distance as you can between you and your shamers. I love this saying..."If you can't change the people around you, change the people around you!"
Then it becomes a personal 'balancing act'. You must do things for yourself to feel better...whether it be exercising, praying, meditating, journaling, gardening... self nurturing kinds of activities and practices. Most importantly, find people who will love and accept you just as your are, aka, "YOUR TRIBE".Those you can be vulnerable with and feel free to open up to which will help you learn new levels of intimacy and trust. Also, you might try turning the shame into guilt in your mind for certain scenarios. I know this sounds odd but it will lessen the pain of thinking there's something wrong with you all the time. It's better to believe you just DID something wrong. Albeit a hard tactic and will take some time to master. But you're worth it!
These little suggestions will help you feel good about yourself and increase your self image. Over time, you will feel so good that the shame others are trying to dump on you won't come near your healthy 'force field'. You will no longer be a participant to their shaming techniques, you will be a spectator; an observer looking at it from your new healthier exterior!
Love and Blessings~
Celeste
Too Pooped To Pop?
Do you wake every morning exhausted regardless how well you slept? Then grab a cup of coffee only to feel like you need a second or third cup? Can you remember a day without stress? How about depression? Feeling a little down...all the time? Is your immune system shot? Is you belly getting larger? Is it a spare tire? A muffin top?
Does this sound like you?
If so, what have you done to remedy any of these issues? Have you visited your doctor? Did they tell you it was age related? Perhaps situational depression due to present or ongoing life situations ? Did they prescribe popular drugs like Lexapro, Paxil, Zoloft? Probably.
Here's a new flash: Those and similar drugs deplete your B Vitamins. I may not be an M.D.but I did stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night therefore I know B Vitamins give you energy and cushion your nerves from stress. So if you're with me so far, you're putting 2 and 2 together. The more you take antidepressants, the more tired, more stressed you become. Also, your body doesn't even make B Vitamins. So basically, you're deficient from the get go. So these drugs are robbing a bank vault which is essentially empty unless you're supplementing with the right B Vitamins or you're eating the right food sources.
For those who have opted to avoid the Doctors office and want to take their health in their own hands, they may want to research something called Adrenal Fatigue.
What is it?
First,your adrenal glands (2) are about the size of a walnut and are responsible for probably the most important function in your body: to manage stress. When you've overloaded these little guys with so much stress, you've not only exhausted yourself but also the adrenals. Hence the term 'adrenal fatigue'. FACT: 80% of most people will suffer a form of adrenal fatigue in their lifetime and will probably be misdiagnosed!
The adrenals are located above your kidneys and part of your endocrine system. And why should care about that? Because your adrenal glands secrete more than 50 hormones, which are basically essential for life! I won't give you all the big names of these hormones but just know they do a laundry list of functions such as ... turn food to energy, support your immune system, normalize blood sugar, help to regulate blood pressure, control inflammation, support your 'flight or fight' response to stress, produce sex steroids like estrogen and testosterone.... to name a few.
It's ironic these glands control stress however, when you have too much stress, over long and chronic periods of time, perhaps your entire life, they are too pooped to pop! They pretty much just shut down! Once the adrenals are taxed everything else goes to hell in a handbag reeking havoc all over your body! You'll be more tired, even exhausted, depression probably sets in, you'll start storing that cortisol hormone around your middle and gain weight. There's a good chance you'll be sick ALOT and perhaps become allergic to things you never were, your body will ache due to increased inflammation, your sex life will be pretty much non existent and God only knows all the other health issues that will crop up!
So, what to do?
Now that you know the strain you are putting on these adrenals, there's no excuse NOT to attempt to deal with stress and other life habits which are adding to your problems. Seriously, aren't you sick and tired of feeling sick and tired?
Healing your adrenals glands isn't a 'one prong approach'. You must make lifestyle modifications across the board....from reducing the amount of stress in your life, to diet changes and proper supplementation. Understandably, these changes will be hard at first. Be gentle with yourself during the process. Your little adrenal glands will love and appreciate all your efforts and in no time, you'll feel more like your old self!
Love and Blessings~
Celeste
The Rings of the Target
Where do you spend your time? Look at your day...where does time go? If you are fortunate to have some free time, what are you doing? Who are those you surround yourself with? What do you typically talk about? But more importantly, WHO are you talking about?
I'm just throwing those questions at you because it's frightening the time we waste in our days! We always scream we have no time but ironically, we waste countless hours typically on those on the 'outside' or 'outer ring' of the Archery Target.
What am I referring to? Think about the target in archery. There are typically 5 Rings. The Bulls Eye is the center, the most important ring to hit in archery...and also in life.
Now, let's think about our lives in relation to the Target...most importantly where we waste Time.
THE BULLS EYE: The Center of the target should be YOUR LIFE CENTER
What is bigger than you? What gives you strength when nothing else can? Is it God?? Jesus? Buddha? The Universe? Your personal 'center', your bulls eye should be that of which you are grateful and give praise. Maybe I'm completely off base here but who do you seek when times are tough? When you're in your deepest despair and alone? Who you gonna call? Ghost Busters? Probably not. I'm just saying, the bulls eye is the meaning and center of YOU and your life. Therefore, it's the biggest priority in your life. It's the mecca of your existence!
THE RED RING: This ring is YOU.
This is where you spend time, making yourself your biggest priority on this earthly plane. How often do you put the needs and concerns of others before you? Why? Do you really enjoy that way of life? Who are you kidding? Oh, you say you feel good and it's the right thing to do as you put others before you...because you're such a saint...
Let me assure you, there will come a time when you look back, glance at yourself in the mirror and ask why you put so much time and effort in others rather than yourself. And you will be tired, exhausted and resentful. I apologize for being so 'in your face', but it's the truth! Too many people I know, men and women, have put others before themselves...and everything before 'their God' and they're not too happy.
THE BLUE RING: This is your spouse, your significant other.(Hey, this could be your pet and I wouldn't judge you one bit!) If you are single and/or divorced with children they would be placed in this ring of focused attention. If you don't have children, this is your family, friends, colleagues. ...anyone really important in your life who adds to you. Get it?
So, if you're going along with the math, you've put 'Your God' first, giving thanks and praise. Again, you make YOU your # 1 Priority. Then and only then, you will have room for others. You've heard it a million times..."you can only love others if you love yourself first'. I personally regurgitated this statement on others but never took my own advice. Now I get it. I hope you do as well.
THE BLACK RING: Your children, family or those who add to you.
Bottom line: if you're married, your spouse comes first, then your kids. If you do it the other way around, you will have a miserable marriage. Period.
THE WHITE RING: This is where time is wasted.
This is the Nonsense, Time Suck-age Ring where time is spent with Emotional Vampires, Facebook, Google, Gossip, etc.
This is not time spent with 'your higher power', on yourself, your spouse, your significant other, your children or those who add to you. This is time where you gossip about fellow employees, friends, family, neighbors, where you waste countless hours 'creeping' through Facebook photos of exes....or better yet, talking with girlfriends about your sister in laws brother who started dating a woman you dislike....and you spend hours discussing how she treated you at a family function. REALLY???
Why is so much time spent thinking, talking or reacting to those who are not in our rings of the target of life? And why do we continue to do it? More importantly, how do we stop?
It's hard to change habits. Particularly those which continually serve as self sabotaging practices, conveniently preventing us from tapping into our purpose. I'm not telling you something you don't already know! You know you waste time! I've just laid it out for you in a simple way with this Archery Target.
Read my past BLOG on Gratitude. That will help you to stay in the Bulls Eye. Then spend some time on YOU in the Red Ring. The more time you spend on yourself, the quicker you will learn your true importance and won't want to waste time on the mundane WHITE RING. YOU and YOUR life will begin to matter.
Is there something you have done to avoid THE WHITE RING? Any tips you'd like to share?
What have you done, or plan to do to focus on the inner rings?
I'd love to hear some great insight to use personally and share!
Thanks for reading and sharing!
Peace and Blessings!
Celeste
