Get Back on YOUR Track!
There's so much in cyber space about setting boundaries. What's the hoopla around it all? If it's all unfamiliar to you it's because you weren't raised with clear concise boundaries. Imagine that?
Like the majority of people, boundaries being violated started when you were very young.
Hmm...why does it all go back to potty training days??
Way back then it was innocent, or so you thought. Remember, you were young and didn't have much say. It may have been someone making you do something which felt uncomfortable. Something as simple as making you eat something that tasted nasty. And you did it just to please them or better yet, shut them up. Or something much more hurtful. Then the process took over and it became all you knew. After awhile your reality of people being boundary-less was another easily accepted pattern like chewing gum and walking.
Now as adults, all these weird feelings are coming to the surface, like a big zit which needs to be popped! It's not just boundary setting...there's a slew of other stuff rising to the surface. It's called DIS-ease. You can feel it at work, at home, in public. People 'spilling their proverbial milk' into your life or violating your personal space, is a good example. I don't want to make this blog all 'doomer talk'. Quite the contrary. It's focus is to make you aware so you can become strong and live your life... so you can move forward and feel good about yourself.
Setting boundaries is just part of the process to your personal freedom and getting more centered.
Here's why we need to have and continue to set boundaries around ourselves: For self protection. Boundaries are personal rules, limits, guidelines we set up for ourselves to define what is safe and healthy so we can create and maintain a healthy self.
Setting boundaries and respecting others boundaries allow us to take responsibility for our lives...like an adult...thus creating our own destiny. If you allow people to walk all over you, there's a pretty good chance you're not living the life intended for YOU. And you feel DIS-ease most of the time.
HOW TO SET BOUNDARIES
1. FEEL IT.
C'mon, you know how you feel when someone has violated your boundary! Stop lying to yourself! You feel angry, resentful... you've been complaining and/or whining about people or situations. Set the boundary! Your inner self is trying desperately to get your outer self to do something about this!
2. DEAL WITH IT.
This next step is the painful one because you actually must DO something. Here it comes... Set the boundary clearly: Here's a good way to start: Say NO. Or Perhaps, "No,that doesn't work for me." Do not justify, explain, apologize or become defensive. Don't argue your point. Just be calm and firm when you set a boundary. Here's a good tip: Visualize yourself forming a line in the sand.
3. DON'T LOOK BACK
At first you may feel badly or guilty. Don't let the emotions of others bleed into you! You are not responsible for the feelings of others! You are only responsible for feeling good about yourself! Expect the control freaks in your life to get upset with you! Remember, that's their stuff! If they don't speak with you after you've set a boundary, GOOD RIDDANCE!' You are much better off without them!
Most people will respect you and your boundaries. In fact, you'd be surprised how the 'healthy people' respond! They will actually respect you and adhere to your boundaries.
A few years back I set a boundary with a group of people. Ironically, something positive happened. Not only did they respect the boundary but they began to set up similar boundaries. Being responsible for yourself and your life could potentially create a domino effect for others around you!
All this boundary setting is a process so be gentle with yourself! It takes time and will happen when you are ready...when the DIS-ease is ready to be purged! In the meantime, build your support system with those who 'get you', who are empathetic to you.
Setting boundaries will be tough at first but in doing so, the real YOU will emerge and SHINE!
How awesome is that?
Love and Blessings!
Celeste
Why Forgive?
Well, first off, forgiveness isn't about those who have done you wrong. Quite the contrary. Forgiveness is so you stop beating yourself up.
So YOU can heal.
So YOU can love.
So YOU can live the life intended for YOU.
I'm going off this road for a second and change the subject entirely. Because that's who I am and what I typically do...
I recently read to have a blog at the top of search engines where more people will likely find it, you need to mention the topic of the blog numerous times. Here goes...
FORGIVE. FORGIVE. FORGIVE.
That said, who has done you wrong? Hurt you? Broke your heart? Tormented you? Beaten you down in any way? You know who they are because you think about them, talk about them and you don't typically have nice thoughts or words about these people. But they are your Achilles heal and your sad 'woe is me' story that keeps repeating like a Seinfeld episode. They are the answer WHY you may not be where you want to be in life, in relationships, in your bank account. They are those who held you back, caused much resentment, caused the demise to the life you were destined for. Right? Isn't that how you feel when you look back with your slouching shoulders? Isn't that what you do all the time? Lament constantly and talk about the past today, spitting up your crap on anyone who will hear you, who might validate those wounds so they will go away? But they never do, do they? Aren't you sick of hearing yourself?
Want another approach? Here it is, right between the eyes: FORGIVE.
Here's a little exercise: Imagine all these 'baddies' who did you wrong. Put them in a room in your mind. How much is their combined weight? 300 pounds? 500 lbs? An elevator full to capacity?
Now, imagine all that weight on your back...and you're carrying it around all day! And you're sleeping with that weight. That weight goes with you everywhere: it's with you during the holidays, in the shower, at the kids' soccer game, it's in the middle of your relationships, at the grocery store. It's heavy, isn't it? Draining huh? Cumbersome, exhausting...
That's what it feels like to be unforgiving.
But again, it's not about forgiving those who may have done injustices to you. IT'S NOT ABOUT THEM. IT'S ABOUT YOU! It's about sitting your butt down, getting quiet, stop looking in the past and pointing fingers. Then, perhaps get down and dirty, snotty nose crying if you must, and letting it all go....including your feelings which are wrapped around these people. Forgive them and as you do you forgive yourself for holding on to this ball and chain.
Forgiveness is so you stop beating yourself up over the past...stop carrying around all that pain today... which is holding you back from being the best version of yourself tomorrow.
That said, forgiving others doesn't necessarily mean you should continue to have them in your life or maintain relationships with them. It merely allows you to move forward in your life...with or without them. And it doesn't mean you must 'forgive and forget'. You can forgive but you have the option to remember what caused your pain so you don't repeat it again or perhaps allow your 'pain lesson' to help serve others.
Now, after all I've written, are you still stuck? Do you still think you can't forgive? There are some simple steps you can use and lots more information online.
For me, it was a weekend of being alone and writing down anything I'd thought I'd done wrong...whether people told me and/or derived pleasure from reminding me, embarrassing and shameful memories I already knew which went back to childhood or just thoughts of those who had done me wrong. Basically, I wrote what I thought I'd done wrong and how others wronged me. It was a very long list! For the record, I was tired of playing the victim to all of these thoughts! After I released it on paper, I then prayed to God to take the pain, hurt and burden away, then I burned it surrendering it all to the heavens. Sounds corny, but for me, it worked. I no longer walk around with a huge weight on my back! My heart is full for those who get me and love me the way I deserved to be loved!
In closing, I hope and pray you forgive yourself. It might take work...perhaps longer than a weekend...but in the end, you will love yourself and others more for it!
Love and Blessings!
Celeste
