I came to really understand shame a few years back. More importantly, the impact it had on my entire life. It's a sad fact: we all shame one another. However, if you want to feel good about yourself and also put good vibes in the universe, you will want to put the kabash on giving and/or receiving shame! Then you can begin giving empathy, compassion and love towards others...as it flows back to you!
That said, here's difference between shame and guilt. Just so we're clear...
Remember when you were young and broke something then tried to hide it? You were guilty of that. You DID something wrong. Now, if your parents found the object you broke and screamed and hollered calling you ignorant, you then felt you WERE something wrong.
Guilt is DOING something wrong. Shame is BEING something wrong.
Big difference, right?
I was raised Catholic. Many can relate to 'catholic guilt', right? But, is it guilt or is it shame? I'm not ripping apart Catholics or any other religion here. I'm merely stating, we were all shamed one way or another, regardless of religion. The term today might be 'bullying' to some degree. We are made keenly aware of our shortcomings. In turn, we feel bad about ourselves A LOT. Sadder is the fact that the person trying to shame us is usually projecting their gook on us ....globbing us with shame! Truth be told, they are no doubt a bucket of shame themselves! It's just easier to give it away than do something about it! Being shamed makes us feel ICKY...we just feel bad about ourselves ..like we have cooties. And if we're made to feel like there's something wrong with us on a regular, perhaps daily basis, it becomes all we know. It's the fiber of our existence!
I can tell you with impunity: if you feel bad about yourself A LOT, you are being shamed A LOT. But here's the harsh reality, it's someone right in front of you. Someone you think has your best interest at stake, someone you trust, perhaps love. Someone who is probably doing a slow 'chinese water torture' on you. This someone could be your boss, your spouse, your siblings, your friends...but most of the time it's your parent or earliest caregivers....because that's where it started. How sad is that? But try to put this in perspective: All those people did the best they could with the cards they were dealt.
Here's the deal...people who are habitual shamers, rarely IF EVER go to therapy or seek help. It's usually someone elses fault. They go through life living a patterned life of denial, excuses and blame...the trifecta of pointing fingers at others rather than changing. And that's ok; that's their gook! Exercise acceptance with these people but do your best to steer clear of them if at all possible. In time, you will begin to recognize the lack of feeling shamed merely from disconnecting from it as much as possible!
Here's the litmus test: If you feel pretty good about yourself and your life, then walk in a room of friends, family, fellow employees, etc. and you begin to feel like there's something wrong with you, perhaps your body language will even begin to change, you're probably being shamed on some level. You'll realize you're being put in scenarios to defend yourself and your actions. You're somewhat of a 'victim' in these situations. However, if you continue to go back to those same people or that same situation YOU ARE A VOLUNTEER, only to be treated like that again.
All I'm saying is LIFE IS HARD. When you finally start to feel good about yourself, why would you go in a lions den to be ripped apart...ever so subtly, by those claiming to care for you? Or worse, those YOU believe respect, love, honor you?
Aren't you sick of feeling bad about yourself?
Do you want to know how to shut shame down?
Now, I m not saying cut everyone from your life because that would be hard in a work or family environment. But if you feel insecure, depressed, have feelings of abandonment, can't maintain intimate relationships, cant seem to move forward in your life, feel unworthy, etc, etc, etc, it's time to take a stance and do something about it! Again, it's not a one prong approach. You probably need to put as much distance as you can between you and your shamers. I love this saying..."If you can't change the people around you, change the people around you!"
Then it becomes a personal 'balancing act'. You must do things for yourself to feel better...whether it be exercising, praying, meditating, journaling, gardening... self nurturing kinds of activities and practices. Most importantly, find people who will love and accept you just as your are, aka, "YOUR TRIBE".Those you can be vulnerable with and feel free to open up to which will help you learn new levels of intimacy and trust. Also, you might try turning the shame into guilt in your mind for certain scenarios. I know this sounds odd but it will lessen the pain of thinking there's something wrong with you all the time. It's better to believe you just DID something wrong. Albeit a hard tactic and will take some time to master. But you're worth it!
These little suggestions will help you feel good about yourself and increase your self image. Over time, you will feel so good that the shame others are trying to dump on you won't come near your healthy 'force field'. You will no longer be a participant to their shaming techniques, you will be a spectator; an observer looking at it from your new healthier exterior!
Love and Blessings~
Celeste
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